If You Can Believe It


The following are actual questions I get (quite frequently actually) at work. Keep an eye out for question 6 cause that one is just beyond my comprehension.

1. Do you have beer? No, we do not have beer. We are a coffee kiosk, not a pub. There is no beer anywhere on display, nor is it on that giant menu on the front of the kiosk, therefore it safe to assume that we do not sell beer.

2. Is that liquor? No, that is flavored syrup used to flavor the milkshakes and steamers. Again, we do not sell alcohol. If there is no names of liquor on that giant menu on the front of the kiosk it is, once again, safe to assume that we are not selling liquor.

3. How do I drink this? Through the hole in the lid, dammit, why is that such a hard concept for you people!

4. May I have a latte with extra milk? Um… a latte is a double shot of espresso and the rest of cup is filled to the brim with milk. I guess you can have extra milk if you want me to put it in an extra cup.

5. May I have a cappuccino without milk? Yes. But in that case it’s called an espresso. That foamy white stuff on it that makes it a cappuccino? That would be milk.

6. Do you have coffee in cups? … typically yes, the coffee comes in cups. I suppose I could pour it into your hands, but that would be messy. And it would probably hurt.

Really, sometimes I am completely and totally overwhelmed by the stupid. Half of our clients probably couldn’t place an order at Starbucks without having an aneurysm.

And you know what? While I’m at it…
NO I will not change your 20, we are not a bank,
NO we do not sell cigarettes or phone cards,
NO I do not have a map and do not have time to tell you where the tourist attractions are.

Oh and by the way, when both of the windows and doors are closed and locked and the lights are off it means we are closed. NO you may not have a coffee!

And lastly, for the love of all that is good and decent in this world don’t you dare ask me for a steamer with “a whole lot of chocolate powder.” That is what we call a hot chocolate and I will be charging you the extra .10 cents for it because that’s what a hot chocolate costs you cheapskate!


6 responses »

  1. I can imagine you get all kinds of stupid questions in a busy coffee kiosk.
    About #6, could they mean they want their coffee in porcelain or stoneware cups instead of the paper cups you sell your coffee in? That makes sense to me?

  2. For number 6 I also assume they don’t want throw-away cups.

    For changing money or asking directions, I can’t blame them for trying although it’s obvious when it’s busy that such things are not possible

  3. Can you please tell me JUST ONE coffee kiosk type place anywhere in the WORLD that sells coffee in china cups for christssake??? I am rather pleased that they are using the heavy duty paper cups and so many have gone completely away from styrofoam type cups. If they DO sell coffee in china cups then it is NOT a quick coffee kiosk but a coffe house-sitdown establishment….and lets remember, you are NOT in America where if we do get our coffee in cups like that, WE ARE EXPECTED to clean up properly after ourselves or the waiter is damn quick about cleaning up your dirty dishes…I was totally flipped out with how dirty the tables were throughout all of the ‘quaint’ places I went in Belgium…they took forever to get cleaned up and you had to sit at dirty tables and just wait until someone did come to clean up or just add your litter to the pile…that was one thing that I found really repulsive there…people are self-centered and stupid all over the world!

  4. brilliant, this is hilarious!
    I remember queueing behind a French man in Starbucks on the Strand once: he couldn’t understand why he couldn’t order a) a beer, b) coca-cola or c) smoke a cigarette…

  5. Hi Calliope,

    you’re always so harsch on my fellow country mates (I can understand why, because some of them are really stupid), but please allow me to defend them a bit.

    1. Do you have beer?
    Maybe your boss should start selling it, if you have the question that often. It could raise his profit (and maybe your salary).

    2. Is that liquor? I can understand that question. We do have a tradition of putting liquor in our coffee.

    3. How do I drink this? Well, there are not a lot of coffee kiosks in Belgium and drinking coffee in a cardboard cup sounds really repulsive to me. Moreover we are used to adjust our coffee with milk and sugar to our own taste, so it’s difficult to understand why you would close the cup with a plastic lid, let alone drink through a hole in it. It makes the whole coffee experience so cheap.

    4. May I have a latte with extra milk? May I have a cappuccino without milk? We’re not Italians and we don’t have such a rich coffee culture. For us there is just coffee and during the war there was “chicorei”. We add sugar and/or milk and/or liquor and that’s it.

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