I’ve been quiet lately, I know.
If you’ve been following me with any regularity these past 3 and a half years or so, you may guess that it means I’m having some internal turmoily stuff that I really can’t/don’t want to discuss.
It’s almost entirely internal and a lot of the time I’m able to sort of cover it up, but I’ve been much less successful with that lately and it took me totally botching Piet’s birthday yesterday to finally see how bad things have sunk in my head.
Day to day things are moving on, with April being a month full if appointments and information sessions and other things. All seems well with the baby. He moves quite a bit, some days more than others, but definitely plenty of moving. I’m only really comfortable sleeping on my left side, and I’m pretty wiped out, although I’m not sure anymore if that’s from all the growing going on in my midsection or simply from my state of mind. I imagine it’s probably both.
Piet and I have talked a lot the past couple days, about several things. There are some things I’ve asked him to try to seriously consider, there are some things about how I feel that I finally said (about myself, not about our relationship…that’s still good as long as he feels like putting up with me). I’m in that shitty limbo state where I know that getting up, getting involved in something, being active would probably do me a world of good but the thought of even trying to take initiative is heavier then a ton of bricks.
I’m not working right now, which is both a blessing and a curse. Work keeps me busy. It gives me some sort of feeling of contributing (granted, I’m just contributing hot drinks to train travelers and some money to our bank account, but that’s still something), even though the type of work I do is not something I particularly enjoy. My coworkers gave me a sense of community, which did me a lot of good when I spent so long feeling isolated here. I wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows when I was working, but in retrospect, when I was put on sick leave my state of mind significantly took a nose dive.
I had planned on hopefully taking some sort of class while I wasn’t working, but I missed the deadlines to enroll by a few days and hesitated to look for anything else to commit myself to because the doctors insisted on writing me off a few weeks at a time, so I never knew if I was going back to work until the next appointment.
If I could just have a chair to sit while I worked the register at work, I could probably go back, but chairs don’t fit in the kiosk. With the belly I have now it might not be long before I don’t fit in the kiosk. I found out the hard way in Istanbul that I really can’t stay on my feet longer than 2 hours before my back and feet hurt to the point where I can’t stand upright without support, and a five minute breather doesn’t ease the pain at all. A half hour sitting and I can stand another 2 hours again, but obviously that’s not really realistic in a job where you have to stand for 7 and a half hours straight (not counting toilet breaks).
So I’m torn between wanting to try to go back to work, even for just a month because it’d give me a distraction, something to focus on, a (pretty much false) sense of worth and knowing that I physically can’t do the work my job requires. Unless my physician had a total change of heart from 2 weeks ago, chances are I’ll be put on sick leave until the end of the pregnancy starting tomorrow, but that’s an assumption everyone has been making the past 2 months and it still hasn’t happened yet, so I won’t count on it until I have my appointment tomorrow.
And as for the rest…I don’t know. I have parts of the house to organize and clean. I have things to do if I can just push myself to care enough to do them. Mostly I’m looking forward to seeing my parents for the first time in a year when they come to visit in June, although right now that feels excruciatingly far away. In the meantime, I know I should probably make an effort to post more. Although, if I don’t, well, it’s because I have some other things to sort out right now.
Hopefully you’ll bear with me.