It’s been two months since our son came into the world and there are still days when I wonder what we’ve gotten ourselves into, with this whole procreation thing. I think I spent the whole first month with that feeling you get when you’re babysitting and the parents are running just late enough that you start wondering if they’ll ever be home. And then haha, surprise, you realize again that the parent already is home, dumbass, and dammit it’s still you and you still can’t seem to figure out exactly what it is you’re doing.
Tay got his 2 month vaccinations a little early in preparation for our trip to the U.S. and let me just tell you, as prepared as I thought I was for seeing my baby get stuck with a tiny little needle, I couldn’t help but burst into tears at the look of surprise and then pain when he got his first shot.
For several hours following the shots Tay was very still and very sleepy but then he woke up, looked at me and gave me a huge smile.
I smiled back and blurted out, “Awww, I love you too.”
Which is when I realized I’d had my son for 54 days before I’d even said I loved him out loud.
And just this past 2 weeks or so, I’m seeing him become such a, well, a baby.
A round, pudgy, soft little guy with a big grin and graspy little hands that hold my fingers while he falls asleep.
I see recognition in his face.
I give him comfort when he needs it.
I can tell he feels safe in my arms.
He’s become so much more than the wrinkly, alien little thing that refused to come on his own into the world, and left pain, fever and infection in his wake. He no longer screams inconsolably for reasons I can’t fathom, all the while looking around himself incomprehendingly.
He looks at me adoringly, with smiles or with pouts. I hear meaning in his cries and his squeaks. I no longer feel unsure when I tell him “Mommy’s here” because Mommy is here. It took her 2 months to believe that it was real and to believe in herself and her new role, but she’s here now and there’s nowhere else she’d rather be.