Longing For The Experience


I like to splash!

Sometimes I wonder what spontaneous labor would’ve felt like. I wonder what it would’ve been like to have actually given birth to my son on my own rather than having him manually plucked from my midsection. I debate on whether or not it’s a fair trade: the occasional ache and burning along my cesarean scar and the numbness from my navel to my pelvic bone in exchange for the weak bladder and hemorrhoids.

I love my son and he loves me and I know this, but my heart still aches when I think about the fact that I couldn’t hold him as soon as he was born; that my arms were restrained and I had to be sewn up first.

Would I try a VBAC with a second baby?
I’m not sure yet.
I know it can be done: my sister-in-law had no problem giving vaginal birth to her second daughter after having a c-section with her first. But I know I’m now at a greater risk for a ruptured uterus if I attempt vaginal birth. And I’ve always wanted 3 children, so I need to keep my uterus intact in case I ever convince Piet that he wants a third child too.

When I asked the doctor who delivered Tay if I could consider VBAC she said yes, but only if my next pregnancy would be complication free and if my labor would begin naturally. Given that I had to be induced with Tay and his reaction to te medication following the epidural, I’m guessing I may never get to experience a “real” childbirth.
And that pains me.
I’m a person who tries to experience things. I’m never entirely let down if I can say, ” hey, at least I tried.” I intentionally put off having a breast reduction so that I could breast feed my first child. I wanted that experience. Granted, I ended up feeling very uncomfortable with it and only breastfed for two months, but despite the fact that sometimes I wish I’d stuck with it, I also know that I tried it. I had the experience of being the nourishment for my child.

In that same vein, I want very much, to have the experience of going into labor spontaneously and pushing a baby into the world. I want to be the first to hold my child, rather than seeing him for the first time upside down before passing out from an anesthetic.

I may never know those things. I realize that and I have time to come to terms with it before we start trying to make a sibling for Tay. there are some advantages to a c-section (especially a scheduled one) and I know that too.

I just can’t help but feel sometimes that somehow I managed with Tay to “cheat” my way through the act of childbirth.


6 responses »

  1. What is important is now. Childbirth is what it is. I have done it twice. No big deal. It is the rest of your child’s life that matters. Enjoy that cute baby of yours, they grow up FAST. Great post.

  2. i had a vbac. think positive. every pregnancy and every child are different. I had 2 uncomplicated pregnancies, my third was extremely complicated and then my forth had complication but they let me deliver her with a very short 30 minute deadline and a surgical suite on standby. Just think positive and if you really want it give it a try.

  3. Wow! You have taken me right back here!

    I had 3- sections and have gone through all the feelings you are going through. But as someone else said it’s the rest of your life with your beautiful children you need to think about now.

    And now two of my children are beginning families of their own and it’s wonderful to be doing the baby thing again – in short sharp bursts of course and able to hand them back for all the nitty gritty stuff!!


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