Sometimes I wonder what spontaneous labor would’ve felt like. I wonder what it would’ve been like to have actually given birth to my son on my own rather than having him manually plucked from my midsection. I debate on whether or not it’s a fair trade: the occasional ache and burning along my cesarean scar and the numbness from my navel to my pelvic bone in exchange for the weak bladder and hemorrhoids.
I love my son and he loves me and I know this, but my heart still aches when I think about the fact that I couldn’t hold him as soon as he was born; that my arms were restrained and I had to be sewn up first.
Would I try a VBAC with a second baby?
I’m not sure yet.
I know it can be done: my sister-in-law had no problem giving vaginal birth to her second daughter after having a c-section with her first. But I know I’m now at a greater risk for a ruptured uterus if I attempt vaginal birth. And I’ve always wanted 3 children, so I need to keep my uterus intact in case I ever convince Piet that he wants a third child too.
When I asked the doctor who delivered Tay if I could consider VBAC she said yes, but only if my next pregnancy would be complication free and if my labor would begin naturally. Given that I had to be induced with Tay and his reaction to te medication following the epidural, I’m guessing I may never get to experience a “real” childbirth.
And that pains me.
I’m a person who tries to experience things. I’m never entirely let down if I can say, ” hey, at least I tried.” I intentionally put off having a breast reduction so that I could breast feed my first child. I wanted that experience. Granted, I ended up feeling very uncomfortable with it and only breastfed for two months, but despite the fact that sometimes I wish I’d stuck with it, I also know that I tried it. I had the experience of being the nourishment for my child.
In that same vein, I want very much, to have the experience of going into labor spontaneously and pushing a baby into the world. I want to be the first to hold my child, rather than seeing him for the first time upside down before passing out from an anesthetic.
I may never know those things. I realize that and I have time to come to terms with it before we start trying to make a sibling for Tay. there are some advantages to a c-section (especially a scheduled one) and I know that too.
I just can’t help but feel sometimes that somehow I managed with Tay to “cheat” my way through the act of childbirth.