Jingle Blahs

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A picture a day sounds easy, doesn’t it?
It totally should be, but it isn’t always.
Tay was sick again this past weekend with a nasty eye goo thing and a fever. It was only a 36 hour thing, but it put a dent in picture time. He’s doing fine now, albeit slightly moody, but we’re thinking he has a tooth coming in, or at least the process is starting because he constant making sucking/chewing motions with his mouth and lips (to the point where he’s redeveloped the blister on his upper lip that he had a as a newborn from sucking his lips so much) and he’s simply awash in drool. I’ve seen some kids get bright red cheeks when they teethe, but he doesn’t seem to have that going on at this point. Piet is convinced he feels a tooth coming in on the upper right but I’m still not sure I feel anything breaking through yet.

Whatever. Point being that our son is developing quite normally and aside from the slight hiccup in health over the weekend, everything with him is good.

I, on the other hand, have been having a serious bout of homesickness.

I’m not sure why right now, but I’m just missing my family and friends a bit extra. I’m missing Hanukkah. I’m missing having a house with central heating, although that’s sort of besides the point.

It’s also that time of year, the only time of year really, when we visit Piet’s family en masse. On January 1 we make the rounds, first to his mother’s side of the family and then his father’s side. His father’s side is fairly large and we rarely see anyone with the exception of his father’s eldest sister and her husband. They had a lot of kids and their kids all have kids, so when we do the paternal get-together, it’s 75% Aunt H and Uncle E’s family and the other 25% is the rest of us. Although last year was very sweet since Piet stood up and announced to Uncle E (his godfather) that I was pregnant, so that was nice. His mother’s side isn’t as big and is more equally distributed. There are three sibling and Piet’s mom is the eldest. Piet’s sister and us are the only couples with kids although one of his cousins is expecting in May. We occasionally see his grandparents and his mom’s sister, Aunt M, but that’s not very often either, albeit more often than seeing anyone from his dad’s side.

Anyway, every year I tend to feel terribly under-dressed. As in, I’m typically the only adult female wearing pants.
This year was going to be no exception, since, while I’m no longer in my maternity pants, I’m still significantly overweight. I did manage to lose 10 pounds when I went back to work, so that basically put me where the clothes I had bought in the US in September are all too big, but my pre-pregnancy clothes are still too small and basically, I look really sloppy no matter what I wear. I mentioned wanting to get something that fit better so I’d look decent for the family visiting next week and soon after Piet mentioned me buying a dress for the holidays.

I said the dresses in the shop we were passing wouldn’t fit me.
He made a comment that I won’t repeat because it came out sounding much meaner than he meant it to.

He apologized immediately, but it still really hurt me.
But nonetheless I went out dress shopping this week, despite loathing how I look in the mirror right now.

The thing I find the most frustrating about being overweight, or well, being as overweight as I am, is that even if I lose a clothing size, or even two, when I try something on, I still look fat. I’m not as fat as I was before, but I’m still definitely fat. I want to do something about it and I plan on doing something about it. When I really put my mind to it, I can lose weight. I lost 30 pounds in the 6 months prior to my wedding. Granted, I’d wanted to lose another 30 after that, but then I got pregnant, so further dieting wasn’t really an option at that point.

Anyway, yes, I realistically want and need to lose about 65 pounds to be in a healthy weight range. I’m really going to work hard to do that before my brother’s wedding in October. I’m going to work even harder at creating a healthy, maintainable lifestyle for myself (and hopefully my husband and son). My main goal outside of successfully immigrating back to the US by the end of next year, is to have lost that 65 pounds and kept it off by eating right and exercising when I can.

But none of that changes how I feel when I look at myself trying on clothing right now.
None of that changes the comment my husband made to me about dresses not fitting me earlier this week.
None of that changes how I shy away from mirrors and can’t seem to make eye contact with people anymore and am convinced that people are judging me if I’m eating anything besides a piece of celery because I’m convinced that they’ll see me eating something and think to themselves “no wonder she’s so fat.”

And that’s just not a good feeling to have on top of missing my family around the holidays.

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2 responses »

  1. Sounds like you’re having a really tough time of it. Sustained weight loss is so hard to achieve, especially after pregnancy and recovery from surgery. Be kind to yourself. When people look at you, I’m sure that they are seeing an amazing mother, great wife, and a very determined and spirited individual.

  2. My biggest wave of homesickness in Canada was also during the holidays. I guess it’s just the time we want to spend time with our own family , our own rituals, our own traditions …as it makes us feel genuinly home.

    I wish you a good Hannukah..hope homesickness isn’t going to beat you too hard.
    Don’t stress over clothes 😉 I’m sure you look great in pants as well.

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