This is me right now.
The days I get to sleep past 6 am are few and faaaaar between and it feels like no amount of unbroken sleep can make up for it. Even when I have the opportunity to sleep in a bit, my self destructive brain wakes up at 4 am because it simply expects to have something wake it up.
This means I lose consciousness somewhere around 10 pm. I mean, literally I can be sitting there, having a conversation with my husband, but not actually be awake for most of it.
It’s making certain marital activities virtually impossible.
And oddly enough, exhaustion makes me want to eat more. I don’t know if my body thinks that more calories will give it more energy or if I’m just kind of seeking some sort of comfort through food since I can’t seem to get it through sleep. It’s making my current attempt at weight loss more difficult, I know that much.
I’m also cranky and emotional (when I’m not glassy-eyed and indifferent) and generally impatient with life. Part of this has to do with how exhausted I am and how sapped I feel, but another part of it has to do with the winter and the fact that it’s always so grey and chilly and dreary outside. And a large part of it has to do with my job. Two years ago when I took the job, the early mornings/late evenings/working weekends thing was no problem but now? Now I’m pretty sure it’s like 40% of my exhaustion problem. It’s just not a compatible schedule to have with a spouse who works and a 6 month old baby.
In summary, I feel like that pathetic, dull grey, useless nub of eraser on the back of an old school number two pencil; completely worn away to the point where even the tiniest amount of pressure has my edges scraping painfully over whatever I’m being jammed up against.
I don’t even feel the urge to cry anymore. I just go from distracted and forgetful to rabidly irate in milliseconds.
I’m sort of hoping there’s a solution to one of the factors in this equation and I’m going to try to do something about it next week. I just hope it works. Otherwise I might just have to chew off somebody’s face.