The title of this blog came from an old post I wrote on my former blog. I unwittingly tapped into a very central facet of who I am and who I am is exactly what this current blog is about. I’ll let you read for yourself.
Smacked With Practicality
July 8, 2009
I am, by nature, a daydreamer.
My feet have never found a solid patch of ground to settle on; my head is always wandering off, chasing flashes of thoughts and hopes and wishes like butterflies or bubbles. Fleeting things of beauty that are usually impossible to catch, or worse, suffer at the touch of human fingertips.
But every now and then a tide of practicalism washes over my brain and I’m struck down from my comfortable cloud of flitting distraction by stark waves of sorrow and self doubt. This morning, after discovering a financial error that either Piet or myself made (probably me, although I don’t recall doing it), that icy grey practicality swept me out to sea once more.
Before I moved into Piet’s life his financial situation was more stable. He didn’t have to pay for the needs of two adults and two pets. He didn’t have the emotional needs of a partner distracting him from his doctoral work. He didn’t have a dependant that was so freaking dependant. He had the opportunity to travel more, to work on building his house.
And me? I was finally on a track in Pittsburgh. I had a job I loved and a career I was finally happy in. I was on my way to becoming a teacher – a job I never thought I’d want, but life can surprise you like that. I rarely, if ever, pull the “I gave up everything for you” card on Piet, but I have to admit that I often pull it on myself. I know I made a choice two years ago when Piet and I finally met. I chose to put everything else in my life on hold in exchange for love.
I chose the unknown over stability…because I’m a daydreamer. My life is a patchwork of my dream driven decisions, and I suppose I’ve led a life less usual than some due to this fact.
But this morning was, I think, the only time that my struggle over what I left behind spilled over and bled onto the territory of how my decision has negatively affected Piet’s life as well and I was consumed by the fear that things should be better and they just aren’t because we were too hasty, too driven by our emotions to see the complete insanity of me moving to Belgium.
And while I was choking on the swirls of practicality, drowning in my doubt and fear, I felt strong, warm arms wrap around me and hold me tight. I heard a familiar voice chiding me for “thinking toilet paper roll thoughts” about our relationship. The rock, the pinnacle of pragmatic was reminding me how much we loved each other. How the time we’ve spent together so far was so much better because we were actually together for it.
And now? Now I’m sprawled out on the shore, letting the sun and the hours warm me back up again so that I can climb back up on my cloud.
There are butterflies and bubbles that need chasing.